In my last post I wrote about classroom stress and the choice that you can make between being calm and being angry in classroom situations. I also wrote about how you should not give away your power to a child. After all,
No one can make you angry without your permission.
Now it is time to examine what goes on in our heads when we are faced with a stressful situation.
In 1996 a research study was conducted about the effects of parental anger. The study revealed that anger causes people to form mistaken beliefs about the actions of the person they are angry at. These mistaken beliefs are called “trigger thoughts,” and for teachers, they prevent us from seeing the underlying causes of children’s behaviors.
The researchers grouped trigger thoughts into three distinct categories:
- Assumed Intent – when we assign intent to the student’s actions, usually negative. Assumed intent usually means that we feel the child is misbehaving on purpose in order to upset us or another child.
- Magnification – when our thoughts make the situation seem worse than it actually is.
- Labeling – when we use negative words to describe the child or their behavior.
Below is a list of trigger thoughts that have been adapted from the 1996 study, as well as from Dr. Becky Bailey’s Conscious Discipline system. See how many of these trigger thoughts you can identify as being part of your thought process when you become angry in classroom situations:
- You are just doing this to annoy me.
- You are deliberately defying me.
- You know this is wrong and you’re doing it anyway.
- You’re trying to drive me crazy.
- You’re trying to see how far you can push me.
- You are tuning me out intentionally
- You are doing this deliberately to get back at me, hurt me, embarrass me, spite me, etc.
- I can’t stand this one minute longer.
- Your behavior is intolerable.
- You have gone too far this time.
- You never listen, pay attention, etc.
- How dare you speak to me like that, look at me like that, etc.
- You turn everything into a power struggle, lousy time, nightmare, chaos, etc.
- You are getting out of control.
- You are manipulating me.
- You are lazy, malicious, stubborn, disrespectful, ungrateful, willful, selfish, cruel, etc.
- You don’t care about anyone but yourself.
- You’re deliberately being mean, cruel, hurtful, a jerk, a smart mouth, etc.
Trigger thoughts are very powerful. They usually enter our heads when we are stressed, and they have the power to transform that stress into powerful negative emotions. Imagine this scene, for example:
You cook a very special dinner for your spouse or significant other. You have spent a lot of time and effort to put this meal together. You proudly set the food in front of him, but he barely acknowledges the work you did or even the taste of the food. You become over-anxious and concerned that your loved one isn’t enjoying the meal, and as the silence continues even after the meal has ended, the trigger thoughts roll through your head:
“He doesn’t care about anything I do.”
“He is so ungrateful and selfish!”
“He purposefully didn’t say anything about all the work I did! Well, I’ll show him!”
And then you begin the silent treatment, when all along your significant other was simply distracted by his own stressful day at work! Rather than stopping and allowing yourself to discover why your significant other was behaving this way, you allowed your trigger thoughts to light a fire under the stress and anxiety you were feeling, and that created a huge explosion of anger. But you forgot one important thing:
No one can make you angry without your permission!
In the next post, we will discuss how to begin changing our mindset.